Monday, May 4, 2009

Vertical Climax by Tessa Rae

TITLE: Vertical Climax
AUTHOR: Tessa Rae
PUBLISHER: Wild Rose Press
LENGTH: Short story (roughly 13k)
GENRE: Contemporary erotica
COST: $3.50

Out of work Broadway dancer Eve Brennan is feeling the crunch of rejection. Tendonitis has taken her off the stage, and her fiancĂ© has just left her for a younger woman. So when a sexy young cowboy moves in down the hall, she decides to take matters into her own hands and get at least a little satisfaction in her life…

I’m frustrated. I’ll admit it. I’m tired of buying short erotic pieces that I end up laughing throughout because authors choose language that I find unsexy. I wonder sometimes if I’m the only one out there who would prefer blunt terminology, rather than a bunch of synonyms that evoke entirely wrong images. I can’t be. I just can’t.

This review won’t be long. I’m not entirely sure why I bothered finishing the story after the first chapter. The only excuses I have are that it was short, and I wondered if it could get any worse. But for edification about my personal preferences regarding smut scenes, I offer these points:

  • “Cavern” is never an acceptable synonym for pussy. Especially used three different times.
  • It is also not entirely flattering when used as a synonym for throat.
  • Comparing a penis to a “big, euphoric popsicle” is never sexy.
  • Neither is the word “slurp.”
  • “Climatic” is not synonymous with “climactic.”
  • I will never understand the appeal of “nether lips.”

There’s an anal sex scene in this. I made a promise to myself that if the author used the word “cavern” as a synonym for the woman’s ass (since she’d already used it as a synonym in two other places), I would quit reading. She didn’t, though Eve broke down into tears afterward because she was unable to explain her gratitude toward this man for helping her discover a whole new world of pleasure.

If a man made me cry after taking my anal virginity, I think it’s pretty much a guarantee I wouldn’t be asking him to live with me for the next week.


4/10 – Her synonyms in the smut scenes are painful to read.


4/10 – Inconsistent, and bordering on jerkhood


4/10 – A distinct sense of trashy and desperate makes the seduction awful

Entertainment value

2/10 – Unless laughing at the inappropriate synonyms counts

World building

4/10 – There really isn’t much of anything done here except the badly written sex



1 comment:

Evie Byrne said...

Oh dear! Nether lips and popsicles. I feel your pain.

To answer your question I also prefer (and use) blunt language. What happens in cases like these, I think, is that some writers feel like they have to mix it up a little in order to be "writerly"-- ie: "I couldn't possibly use c**k again so I'll call it a...a...a flaming meat rocket. Yes! That's the ticket."